I started reading your story about an hour ago and I have just finished reading chapter 2. It is almost five in the morning and there are still twelve chapters more. I really don’t know when I’ll go to bed. But I need to finish it. I am hooked. It is very well written, the pace is wonderful, the plot is exciting, the characters are so alive I can almost touch them.
Darren is old enough to make decisions about medical check ups. Especially considering this check up might be very embarassing, and especially since we’re talking about very personal matters, then it might have been a better idea for Mark, instead of discussing that behind Darren’s back, to tell Darren about the possibility of him to consider meeting a doctor, and certainly not try to push this idea further more than it being a suggestion. Neither Mark, Andrew nor Tom have the ability to force him into seeing any kind of professional. I believe in the UK, the law is that medical decisions are to be taken by the person themself after the age of fourteen years old if that person has not been considered unfit.‘
The story is still very good, though it becomes unclear that Darren is an adult and in his own right to regent his own life, whether or not he lives under Mark’s roof. Again it is very unusual and especially illegal for Mark to go inside of his room if his intention isn’t purely for changing the sheets and cleaning the place, since it is a hotel, after all. Foundling around the dresser becomes an invasion of privacy - we’re still talking about an eighteen years old man, an adult, and also a client to the hotel, not a fourteen years old kid under Mark’s custody. The law asks for every disappearances to be reported forty-eight hours after the last time the person have been seen, and it will be the police, with the regular court ruling, who will open the door to the missing person’s personal living area and try to find clues about where the person might be. Then there also is a bigger problem with Mark and privacy violation, which, even though it is not exactly illegal, might ruin any kind of relationship he has with Darren, along with any kind of relationship Darren might entertain with Tom and Andrew, and it is to tell whatever has been said by Darren to Tom and Andrew. Unless Darren talks about it himself, Mark should have had the decency to keep this discussion under the secret of confidences. We are talking about things that are very private and even humiliating, what with Darren being drugged and raped, something that requires complete discretion, if you are a friend at all. Some people commit suicide over things like that being spreaded to the person’s entourage because they can’t handle the humiliation of their sexual submission being known from them. Rape is not a simple issue. So all in all, the pace is still very good, the catharsis is almost unbreakeable, if we don’t count these little mistakes which makes this chapter especially unrealistic. That aside, you probably have one of the best pens on the whole site.
They’re your mum and dad. You ought to go back to see them sometime.’ Hmmm… nope. Why? This is quite intrusive and not based on reality. When one feels unwanted somewhere, it is disrespectful to imply that they should want to see these people again. A friend just let them talk and make their own introspections by themselves. It would add more credibility to the scene. ‘mum and dad’, really? How about mother and father? Your level of writing should let go of baby talk, especially with the kind of professional that Mark is, and his horor for misused language.
Please consider my comment as constructive, far away from me the idea of criticizing your story for no reason. If I didn’t like your story, I would probably haven’t sent a review.
Okay, now I’m finished. Absolutely fantastic story. Of course I had to find some things that I found to be unrealistic, as I explained in my review of chapter 10. I am also wondering why you made it seem as though the rape incident went away just the same way as it came. People who are raped are usually facing psychological issues, mood swings especially, difficulty to open up to the people surrounding them, need to constantly be left alone. Apart from the moments after the event, it seems that Darren forgets way too easily what has happened to him. So yes, I found some little mistakes, of course, in my own opinion, though generally, this is a must read at all cost story. Thanks for sharing your talent and extraordinary pen with us all. - Nil, gayauthors.org